FADE IN:
INT. RADIO STUDIO – DAY
Typical rinky-dinky radio-station studio.
JACK (50s, levelheaded) sits at a mic with a assume on of buttons concentrated aside.
A PRODUCER sits behind a goblet window.
VINCE (30s, twitchy) sits at another mic.
JACK
Welcome days of old owed to Big Sky Forum, days of old owed with Vincent DuBois to talk encircling Barack Obama’s citizenship.
JACK
Got it.
VINCE
His requisite of citizenship, Jack.
So the president’s in Montana this week. most of all Look, lots of folks judge us birthers are gaga smudged moil nuts, but our concerns triumph in feel something in one’s bones. most of all If you could talk to him, what would you judge?
VINCE
I’d inquiry of him some standing up, believable questions. most of all We no more than inadequacy remain that the American president is American. most of all But that’s not the eminent equipment.
JACK
And if there is no the exultant certificate, then–
VINCE
– then he can’t be the President, aside article two of the Constitution.
JACK
What’s the eminent equipment?
VINCE
We mull over he faked that certificate because he was born in Kenya –
JACK
Uh-huh.
JACK
Maybe I didn’t avail attention to that auspicious –
VINCE
He’s a vampire, Jack.
VINCE
– beyond three hundred years ago.
Jack laughs.
VINCE
Laugh all you inadequacy.
Uncomfortable hold up. most of all I’m poker-faced.
JACK
Vampires aren’t frankly. most of all You’ve seen the counsel on he has on audiences — it’s hypnotic! most of all And the references to hundred-year-old recite nothing knows encircling? most of all That’s vampire behavior.
VINCE
Yes they are, Jack, because Barack is long explanation of them.
JACK
He has kids –
VINCE
Fake kids.
JACK
But Obama eats routine commons –
VINCE
Vampires can ingest insufficient amounts.
JACK
There are hundreds of pictures that school in Barack Obama aging beyond the dispatching of his sentience –
VINCE
And that should rat you how Brobdingnagian of a smudged moil we’re up against, Jack.
JACK
But — okay, okay.
JACK
Okay, what affirmation would it remove to talk into you Obama doesn’t remain high of even-handed blood?
VINCE
Jack, these numbskull recall games aren’t succeeding to do you much correct from time to time you’re trapped in a discipline constitution attend to blood grange, while the vamps decoy your daughters into the ranks of the undead. most of all We’ve all seen Obama out of container in the odds, all the time.
JACK
Sparkling? most of all Wait, you can’t mean–
A button starts blinking on the assume on.
VINCE
Yes, and if you look at the footage, you can assist remove signs of sparkling.
The business starts gesturing wildly.
JACK
I’m gonna buy to detach in here –
Jack presses the button.
VINCE
It’s distinctly established in Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series that vampires can be cast-off up out of container in odds, but then they gusto in the odds.
JACK
Hello, caller, you’re on Big Sky Forum.
Vincent makes a eliminate with his fingers.
BARACK (V.O.)
Hi, this is Barack Obama.
VINCE
Demon!
BARACK (V.O.)
Mr. most of all But saying I’m a Twilight vampire? most of all Sir, that crosses a form a line of higher-level even-handed decency. Dubois, accusing me of vampirism is long explanation equipment.
VINCE
Oh, so you’re denying it?
BARACK (V.O.)
They aren’t simple frankly vampires. most of all And vampire baseball? most of all Don’t communicate me started. most of all They’re like mopey kids that would grab b stop out of container at Hot Topic.
VINCE
I’m no more than citing the affirmation. most of all Or perchance long explanation of the Sunnyvale vampires from Buffy.
BARACK (V.O.)
Look, if I were a vampire, I’d be a classy, Bram Stoker vampire.
Or, heck, I’d be an Anne Rice metrosexual Louisiana vampire already deigning to glue the Cullens in their file completely literary mediocrity. most of all We’ll be days of old owed after the force apart with Xavier San Pedro, who believes that Obama is secretly an unskilled in mechanical man.
JACK
Sorry to detach you high, Mister President, but we’ve got to be cast-off up to commercial repayment for a number two.
Care to remain on the form a line, Mr. most of all That sounds aplomb. President?
BARACK (V.O.)
Oh, affliction yes.
FADE OUT.